reversedpolarity | [RL Jack] backdated to the 15th

Entry tags:

[RL Jack] backdated to the 15th

[continued from this conversation]

Ten minutes, he'd said, and a little less than that he was beaming down into the Hub, just as he had about a week before - only this time for a very different reason. He didn't know what to make of the revelation that Jack was immortal, was going to live forever. But that wasn't what was important right now. There'd be time later to sort through that, to try coming to terms with what that meant. It wasn't that information that had spurred the decision to come down.

It was that Jack had been through so much worse than Scotty could even possibly imagine, and he'd had no idea what to say - and felt that this particular conversation was one better had in person, face-to-face. The silences wouldn't be so awkward then, when he didn't know what to say, because he'd be there, be able to hold onto Jack, to let him know that he was there even when words failed him.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Jack was sitting in his office. He wasn't going to go out and meet Scotty, not when the topic that they were going to talk about was this one. It was probably one of his least favorites, because he could never avoid it. It was his reality, his past, and Scotty was going to want to know the details, because that's what people did. He was going to want to try to help, probably, because that's what people did too, but there wasn't really anything to help. Jack was a fixed point in space and time, and he would remain that way. Forever. Not even the Doctor could fix it.

He wasn't looking forward to this conversation, but Scotty deserved to know. So he'd tell him. He just wouldn't like it. And he'd wait for the other man to find him in his office, because he really wasn't going to be able to seek out the other man, not when he knew he would have to explain himself further.

Scotty made his way to Jack's office, trying to think of something to say, wondering if there was anything he could say. He didn't knock, or announce the fact that he'd arrived. Just walked in, slowly, hands in his pockets. Still didn't know what to say. But he went to sit with Jack anyway, leaning against the edge of Jack's desk, and he reached out to put a hand on Jack's shoulder, to just let the other man know that he was there. "Talk t'me, Jack," he said, after a moment. It was as good a place as any to start. If he could get Jack talking, then he could at least listen. Listen, and try to understand.

Jack sat back in his chair, looking up at Scotty sitting there, his eyes impossibly blue and impossibly old, now that the cat was out of the bag. "What is it that you want to know?" he asked. Scotty was going to have to lead this discussion a little bit. After all, Jack really didn't talk about this sort of thing very often at all.

He kept his eyes on Jack's, refusing to look away. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked gently. Not accusing, not condemning, just wanting an answer, though he suspected he already knew. Because Jack had said it, hadn't he, on the post to the community. He was afraid of letting people get too close. And even if Scotty couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like, to know that everyone else was going to die, to have to keep going in spite of it, it had to hurt.

Jack didn't know what to say to that question. He bit his lip, shaking his head as he looked at Scotty, his eyes impossibly sad. "How could I tell you something like this?" he said. "How could I tell you that I've lived...for so long. Died so many times..." He shook his head again. "It's not something I can just slip into every-day conversation, you know..."

He took a slow breath, moving his hand to cup the side of Jack's face, brushing his thumb over Jack's cheek. "I know," he said, shaking his head in return. "That. Stupid question, sorry." The look in Jack's eyes was breaking his heart, and he wished there was something he could do, something he could say to help, but what he could do? "Have you always been...?"

Jack shook his head, taking a deep breath, because talking about this never got any easier. "I died, once. The first time. Died for good. But I had a friend who brought me back, I guess, and wasn't very specific with the terms, so she brought me back for good. I don't really know all of the details, I wasn't really there when she did it, and they never really explained it to me more than that." Hell, it'd been over a century before he'd even gotten that much, but he wasn't going to go there. Not without a little prompting, at least.

Scotty paused a moment, and just sat there, his hand on Jack's face. He still had no idea what to say, and while he wanted to know more, it felt a bit too much like prying, to keep asking questions. But Jack had asked him what he wanted to know, and Jack was answering his questions. "You never did tell me how long you've been around," he said eventually. He wasn't really certain he wanted to know. Another thought struck him then, and he added, "And... Ianto, you an' Sulu brought him back... Is he...?"

"Oh, no," he said, quickly, shaking his head. "I'd never, never do that to anyone. No, he's... He's all human. Ever noticed the amulet that he wears all the time? That's how we brought him back. Charged it with my life force and gave one of my lives to him. I've got plenty to spare, so..."

Jack sighed, but he needed to tell Scotty this, because Ianto knew and it wouldn't be fair to keep it from him, especially not now. "...I was thirty-eight when I got to be like this. I tried to find the Doctor to tell me what had happened, but," he held up his arm and motioned to the wriststrap, "my vortex manipulator was fried, and so I was stuck in 1869, and forced to live here on Earth..." He paused, taking a breath. "In 2008, something happened... Someone took me back to the year 27, and buried me alive... In 1901, they found me and dug me up to put me in cryofreeze until I could wake up right after I'd gone in 2008. And now... Here we are."

As he'd been talking, he'd lowered his eyes, because there really was no delicate way to break the news to Scotty. "So you see, I didn't answer because... I'm not really sure. It's hard to calculate something like that..."

"You're all human too, Jack," Scotty said, before correcting himself. "Mostly all human. You know what I mean. Just because... just because all this has happened t'you, Jack..." God, Jack had been alive for so long, had been buried alive for a thousand years... How did he even manage to bear it? Scotty found himself suddenly at a loss for words, and rather than try to find the right ones, rather than fumble around searching for something to say, he wrapped his arms around Jack and just held on.

Jack shook his head, wrapping his arms around Scotty. He understood why he wouldn't know what to say, how it was hard for Scotty to even wrap his mind around just how long it was. Hell, it was hard for Jack himself to wrap his mind around, and he'd experienced all of it. "I've lived...for so long, Scotty. So many things have happened to me. I didn't... How could I have told you about this?"

"I know," Scotty said gently, settling into Jack's lap, since it was easier to keep holding onto him that way than to try staying standing up. "I'm no' blamin' you for not tellin' me." He pulled back a little to look at Jack, trying desperately to think of something, anything to say. "But. You're tellin' me about it now," he said slowly. "An' I'll listen, Jack. I'm here, aye?"

Jack nodded, putting his arm around Scotty as he settled himself into his lap, to keep him from falling as much as for his own support. "Yeah. I... That's why I told you. If you have any questions, you. I'll try my best to answer them. But I... I don't really talk about this a lot, so. Forgive me if I'm not going to just go spouting the whole story or anything..."

Scotty was quiet again for a few moments, trying to sort everything out. There wasn't really any way to come to terms with a revelation like this, not quickly. Not right away. "What's the best part about it?" he asked suddenly. He knew that it had to be awful, knew that living that long and losing people over and over and over again had to hurt, but there had to be some good in it. There had to be something that made it worthwhile. "Tell me something good about it, Jack."

Jack laughed a little bitterly about that comment. He really didn't know what there was that was good about it. He didn't know what he could share that would be a 'good thing' because for everything decent there was something horrible the counteracted it and made it all the worse. "...I don't know," he said, honestly. "I really... I don't know."

"What about Torchwood?" Scotty asked, determined to find something, because he couldn't believe that there wasn't something that made it all worthwhile. "It's important, isn't it? It's good." There had to be something that kept Jack going. Had to be something that kept him strong enough to withstand losing everything over and over. "An' if... If you'd stayed dead, where would Torchwood be, then?"

Jack shrugged. "Maybe... Maybe it's better. Maybe I know what I'm doing and we're making a difference." He sighed, shaking his head and looking up at Scotty after a moment. "Don't get me wrong. I... There are people I have, here and now, that I would never, ever leave behind. But. I'm forever, Scotty. It's not..." His eyes hardened, and he looked away. "I don't want to think about it."

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, falling silent after that. Again he just sat there for a long moment, holding onto Jack, not knowing what to say. There would be other people, in the future, but that wouldn't make losing the ones Jack had now hurt any less. But Scotty refused to believe that not letting people was the answer. Not letting people close would only make eternity that much lonelier. But he doubted that was what Jack would want to hear right now, and Scotty wasn't sure he could find a way to say it without making it sound like little more than a hollow reassurance. And he didn't want to think about the fact that someday, he wouldn't be there. That someday, Jack was going to lose him too and there was nothing he could do about it.

After a long moment of Scotty just holding him there in silence, Jack finally let himself relax into the embrace, moving to rest his head on the other man's chest, possible given the position they were in at that moment, sighing deeply as he did so. This is why he didn't talk about it, too. Because he didn't like to get people down, and there really was not a lot of positive things you could say about it, even if you were an impossible optimist like Scotty there.

"...I don't know about you, but I could really use a drink," he said, after a long moment.

He slid his hand into Jack's hair at the back of the other man's head, and just kept holding him close, because there wasn't really anything else he could do. "A drink sounds like a good idea," he agreed, though he didn't pull away for a few moments after that. He did eventually, because if Jack wanted a drink he certainly wasn't going to try and stop the man, and getting drinks would have been a bit impossible with him still in Jack's lap.

Jack stood and walked around his desk to a cabinet, where he pulled out a bottle of brandy and two tumblers, turning to bring them to his desk. "You want one?" he asked, as he opened it up and started pouring the liquid out into one of the glasses.

Scotty sat on the edge of the desk again, nodding in answer to Jack's question. "Could do with one, yeah." He realized that he was sort of letting Jack avoid the topic of his immortality, but then again... He was sort of avoiding it himself now. It'd be easier to cope with, maybe, once he'd had some time to think about it, but for right now... For right now, a drink would be a good place to start.

Jack nodded, pouring Scotty a glass as well before handing it over to him. "It's brandy," he said. "Good year. Been around for a while, I don't really drink unless the occasion really calls for it, and well..." He motioned around them as if indicating their situation as a whole. "I think that accidentally outing myself as a timeless immortal to you definitely calls for it, don't you?" he said, with a slightly bitter smile.

"Cheers," he said, lifting his glass to the other man, before tipping it back and taking a healthy swallow.

He laughed a little helplessly, shaking his head as he raised his glass in return. "Cheers." There wasn't really much else to say. Not on the topic of immortality, at any rate. Jack clearly didn't want to talk about it, and Scotty wasn't going to push him to do so.

After drinking for a moment, Jack speaks up again. "I hope that... You know. I hope this doesn't bother you. Me being...well. The way that I am. I'd understand if it does, though. Wouldn't be the first time I upset anyone just by simply existing..." The way he said it was less bitter and more a fact. He'd had a long time to get used to the fact that some people just would never be able to accept it.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject